NA work

26 Jul

I was asked to explore why I enjoyed drugs, ofcourse to know and acknowledge them as perceptions and allign them with reality.  So I wrote this short explanation!  A letter to my drug, narcotics.

 

When we first met I enjoyed your company.  We would see each other maybe once a year for the occasional emergency.  We would say hi, do lots of chatting and laughing together.  Then you would leave.  I would miss you for a day or so but life went on.  We did this dance for several years.  Life was becoming hectic and overwhelming.  There were times I felt I was drowing.  You came with a smile.  My  eyes opened and I took a deep breathe.  I had not breathed like that in a long time.  The breathe that relaxes your entire body and numbs you gently.  I love you at that moment.  I want this to never end.  Chasing you to the ends of the earth to keep that feeling was more important than life had ever been.  So we began meeting nightly.  Those sweet nights.   Soon just at night was not enough I need you in the morning.  I felt so alive when I had you.  Everything was possible nothing was impossible.  You began speaking to me in new ways.  You showed me that we could share true intimacy if i would allow you to take a more direct approach.  I needed you with me all of the time and more of you was what I was after.  There was pain at first but the blood was drawn and you entered in my world was complete.  I breathed deeply and later awoke to you gone.   You told me you would come to me again if I would forsake all others and search for you only and I did.  Our first days together in this new way were wonderful.  I began to look forward to the pain because I knew what you would do for me if I made it pass being uncomfrotable.  You never failed to deliver on that promise. 

Then something changed.  You began to leave me.  i needed so much of you that I couldnt find you anywhere.  This can’t be right.  We were going to take on the world together.  Why would you leave me.  Maybe if I searched harder?  You had this planned from the beginning I now see.  You tempted me with laughter, love and energy.  Now no matter how I try I cannot find you.  I have lost everything including you. 

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Something new!

7 May

So constantly in recovery, I hear start something new, try something new.  So I decided to give it a go!  I have started learning how to sew. Ii have always wanted to know how to sew but, never really had the time.  So over the past few months I have been learning to sew.  Our church was hosting a mother daughter banquet and I decided to make matching skirts for me and my two daughters!  We are definitely not a family that wears matching clothes.  LOL  Anyways Considering I can barely sew a straight line this was a huge project.  I definitely didn’t want to look like I had sewed our skirts.  I spent tons of time on the internet researching how to make them, how to make them not look ridiculous.  So I stayed up hours at night doing these skirts.  So they were finished and we were off to the banquet.  It turned out to be awesome so many people commented and loved the skirts.  Weve been asked to make some for some of the other girls.  My oldest daughter loved wearing something and being able to say her mom made it and yes she could make you one.  This was the exact opposite of what I expected her to say!  I know it’s not our kids job to be proud we are their parents, but if you have a teenager you understand that we are the most embarrassing people on the face of the earth in their eyes!  So to have her actually be like that was good,,, well it was a shocker!  If you are out there and you’re in recovery, or your sad, depressed, happy, struggling,,, whatever you are,  Trying something new can bring you joy in a way that’s least expected!  I never thought sewing could help my relationship with my daughter yet it did.   We have to get out of our ruts and comfort zones and just try something new!  Dont wait til you have to rebuild your life to get out there!

Why dont you just stop?

5 May

This question still plagues me.  I have friends that still have problems with prescription drugs.  I have been through the addiction to prescription drugs and I still ask, why don’t they just stop.  I did right?  I hear all the time they have to hit their bottom.  everyone’s bottom is different.  It has taken me a lot of time and work to truly come to a place where I understand what prompted me to quit. ( My bottom.)  I didn’t lose everything.  Plenty but not everything, they people I know are loosing things at an alarming rate their bottom is getting worse and worse yet still no prompt to quit.  Loosing my job abruptly and in a way that I could not get another one in my field without my addiction coming out and being well-known by my family and friends was a help.  There was no more hiding I had to tell what was happening.  I then had a family that said okay we love you and will  be here but this is over.  If it’s not you can leave now.  I remember thinking wow what happened to unconditional love.  I now know that setting this boundary was huge in my recovery.  They were saying we love you despite what you have done, now decide keep the love or keep the drug.  they refused to be harmed by my addiction!   I chose love but others don’t.  I think that by the time I heard those words I had detoxed a couple of days.  This helped because of a few things number one I was highly humbled by detox.  Despite being sick I was thinking with a clear mind for the first time in months.  Being so sick I needed help and was willing to do anything to relieve the immense guilt and sickness I felt.  There was also a huge lack of denial on my part that I had a problem.  Early on someone refered me to an NA website where I read about who’s an addict.  By that time I knew I was but, to read it, well that set it in stone.  I guess when I look back on my own experience I realize I had the perfect storm for recovery.  Realization of a problem, lack of secrecy, family that set immediate and strong boundaries and those willing to jump in to get me help.  I’d like to stress get me help.  Sometimes we want to help our friends , I know I do.  The truth is that when someone is close to you its inappropriate for us to be the help.  We go get it, support it and love, we can’t be the help.  Even Dr’s know they can’t operate on family members even though they want to help.  A final piece for me was that a few weeks earlier while in church I felt huge conviction to get my problem taken care of.  I cried I wept I admitted I couldn’t stop and needed help but never asked for it even though I knew I should right then.  Of course I believe God works in mysterious ways.  I would not have wanted help like that but now see it was probably the jolt I needed to get me to quit loving the drug and accept the love of God and family.  So why don’t you just stop?  The circumstances have to bring the addict to a place of a “bottom”.  We need to just remember to be there for them when it comes.  Be there to bring and get them help, and provide boundaries and love.  It is frustrating this disease, mess, choice, whatever you want to call it, remember the person you love as they were before and pray for them to return but we have to know that setting a boundary is for their benefit as much as ours!  I’d love to hear how others have gotten clean or your bottom, or how your dealing with people you love who are addicted.  There is healing in sharing our thoughts and experiances!

Does it really cause problems?

16 Apr

I heard someone talking and they truly could not see how addiction has changed the lives of the ones they love.  We sometimes think that if our family doesn’t know whats wrong with us then they are not involved.  It’s just not true.  It affects everyone around us!  Our children get a parent that is only half present.  The excuse may be made that we have more energy when high or are more sociable.  That again is not true it’s just our perception.  It’s this perception which keeps people in active addiction and causes relapse.  If we really saw ourselves we would see its a false truth.  We are slurring, sleepy, sloppy and any other y ending words we can think of.   Who is caring for our children why we are getting our drug, taking our drug and withdrawing from our drug?  Who helps our spouse when we are passed out or hung over the next day?  Addiction affects everyone!!  I hurt my family greatly and never saw it until I got cleaned up!!!

It’s prescribed

5 Apr

How do you admit you have a problem when your doctor is writing the prescription?  I think that if you ask am I addicted, you are.  I read in some NA literature that people without addiction problems do not sit around and wander am I an addict?  I see so many mothers who are out of it.  There eyes are glazed over and some are incoherant at times.  They are taking antidepressant and antianxiety medication.  Many also consume pain killers.  We as mothers have to take an honest and hard look at ourselves.  Many of us are overwhelmed and instead of cutting back we find medications that help us to push on and forward , when we really need to slow down.  There are instances where medication is needed.  If you are taking enough medication to where you black out, fall asleep while sitting up, or are very irritable without meds you are more than likely developing or nurturing an addiction.  Your doctor does not know when you use too much medication.  It is not his or her responsibility to search your heart.  They should be responsible but ultimate responsibility is with us!

What can NA offer?

5 Apr

When I realised I needed help I wasn’t really sure what help looked like.  I was told to go to NA meetings.  I had heard of AA/NA and knew that you went said your name and admitted you were an alcoholic and everyone clapped!  I had no clue the difference in the two groups or what they could offer me.  My first meeting I was scared to death to say the least.  I found one as far from my home and neighborhood as I was willing to drive.  I did not want anyone to recognize me.  Everyone was friendly, the meeting opened with a serenity prayer and reading of a passage from a book.  The floor was then opened to a speaker.  As he spoke his feelings and thoughts were the same that I had been feeling for a while.  The desperate seeking of drugs and emptiness without them.  The floor was then opened to anyone who wanted to speak then closed with the serenity prayer.  Many meetings are different and the same.  The message is universal, there is hope and help if you want it.  They provide help with books and the sharing of experiences.  This is definitely simplifying the group.  They help you find a sponsor someone you can call when you are struggling with staying clean.  They have 12 steps that you can work that lead you to a realistic look at your problem and real ways to heal yourself .   I have worked with the workbooks to assist me in working steps.  It is awesome.  There are many ways to get clean and stay that way.  NA and the help you can find there should not be overlooked.  The program is set that you can tailor it to your beliefs in God.  For me hearing the story of someone so different from me yet so much the same was eye-opening.  This person was clean and there was hope that I could stay that way too!

Church and Recovery

3 Apr

I have talked with people who are on all sides of this topic.  Some believe in God not church, no God and God is the only answer.  I have found that gaining a relationship with God was key in my recovery.  I had not been at my church very long before the incident at work.  Once everything happened I was engulfed by nothing but love support and kindness.  I don’t know how I would have made it this past year without God and the church family he has provided me.  I am open about my past with many members of the church.  There are some that I have not shared my story with but, I would if needed.  I think that having been through this and surviving it is my duty to give hope to anyone who can find it from me.  I’m no one wonderful.  I just tell my story and if it helps great if not well sorry!  I tried!  It would be interesting to hear how God and church has helped others in their life so if you have time Id love to hear from anyone who cares to leave a comment!

Still stuck on Gratitude

30 Mar

So today not the greatest!  I know everyday can’t be great!  What to do when it stinks?  Get stuck on gratitude!  So I made myself a little mental list of what I was  grateful for.  The more I listed the better I felt.  It is so easy to focus on the woe is me.  When you are naming things to be grateful for you can’t keep whining!  My family is safe and happy.  If you can say this then you should be able to put life in perspective that it can’t be that bad.  Especially since there are so many who can’t say that and they still remain grateful for what they do have.  Lets stop whining!

Just a thought!

28 Mar

I’m not to sure the point of blogging other than to put my ideas out there.  So I started as someone who wanted to inform others of my drug problems, now I want to chat about all of my recovery!  I think one of the most helpful things for recovery was gratitude!  Finding a way to be thankful for everything that happens to you is hard but quickly becomes satisfying.  NA definately helps with that.  I think of NA as my free therapy and life coach.  I think the world would be a lot happier place if everyone attended NA and applied the fact that its your fault to themselves.  Just meaning no one can make you feel or do anything unless you let them.  Today we are always trying to blame others for our problems.  If you can really grasp that you are in controll of fixing your problems then you can fix them!!!

Welcome

5 Aug

Thank you for stopping by.  I am new to blogging so any suggestions would be helpful!  This site will be used to blog about my experiences as someone in early recovery.  I feel there are three groups of people where drug addiction is a silent problem.  These are Christians, mothers and nurses.  Most fall into more than one of these categories I match all three.  I will be discussing my experiences in dealing with the board of nursing and trying to recover licensure.  Also the way this has impacted my life as a mother, wife and Christian.  The first thing I have learned about addiction is that it affects all aspects of someones life.  I look forward to talking with you!